A Prayer Request

I have thrown myself into my blog lately as a form of therapy. I found friends that I could not even imagined. Friends that hurt, friends that care and most importantly friends that will pray hard for someone they have never meet in person.

I have seen countless miracles through the blogs that I read, anything from adopted children, medical necessities and answered prayers. I have also seen others go through hard times, death of children and things that leave us crying with the ones that we have connected with, through a bond that is hard to believe that is formed through all things, a blog.

There has been so much going on in my life for some time now with my family. I have hesitated to mention much on my blog, for the fear that my family may read it and I did not want to make the situation worse than it already is, but it can not get any worse, so here it is.

I am coming to you for help. I have struggle, wrestled with my thoughts, blamed myself, blamed my family, asked God why, pleaded with Him, blamed Him, praised Him, cried and tried to laugh, but I think what I been missing is keeping this to myself, trying to act like everything is perfect and nothing is wrong. Smiling and laughing in front of others and hiding in my home dealing with the pain by myself. There are few that know, but I am asking for prays of many now.

I have been estranged from my parents now since the day before I left for our mission trip to the Dominican Republic. That day on the phone with my father was one of the hardest things that I have ever been through. I was given a choice to make and I made the choice that is one of the hardest things that I ever had to make. I chose to continue to minister to a family that has caused such strife in our families. A family that caused us such pain for many years. A family that is put our lives through unspeakable heart ache.

There was an opportunity, that was, what I like to call "A God Thing". This summer an opportunity came where we were able to make peace with this family. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. I am not one that forgives easily and for me to forgive but most importantly forget the horrible things that have happened in the past, is only a God thing. I hid this from my parents, because I was afraid that they would not understand. The hurt that we have gone through is not easy to move on from. So for weeks, I guess you could say, we were in stealth mode, hoping that they would not find out.

They found out and there was a strain, a disconnection if you will. I tried to continue without really facing my family head on and by ignoring remarks and praying that it would blow over. It didn't. The disconnection grew more and then the phone call that changed everything. I have always prided myself in being "daddy's little girl", not any more, I hurt him with my decision, and he said things to me that day that I can not bear to mention. Which leads us to where it is today, no communication. The only communication with my family I have is so minimal we seem like strangers.

It's killing me. I really do not know where to go from here. I've tried, but I feel that they need to try too. It can not be one sided and I can not quit this relationship that we have built with this other family. I know God has a purpose, but should we lose love ones for this purpose? I know what I should do, but in my wildest dreams I thought this would be better by now. Do my parents not see I need my family.

So here I am coming to all my friends for their prayers, I need help. I am not even sure what to ask for prayers for. Maybe unharding of hearts, forgiveness, strength to carry on...I am not even sure. I just thank you in advance for your prayers.