Mental And Spiritual Raging War & 30 x 5

Hey guys, it been a pretty busy couple of days for me, both mentally and physically, so first let me go ahead and get my 30 x 5 update out of the way! It was a rough start, the first day was dreary and raining, but I think I did a pretty good job of improvising! I briskly walked through many errands and two different grocery store trips, one being wow-mart. Of course the wow-mart experience was to get something I forgot from the other store. The funny thing was, what I needed was at the very back of the store, so I parked as far as way from the door that was safe enough and powered walked the entire way. Joey was worn out and kept asking me why I was walking so fast and I told him it was a new form of exercise!! It worked, not to sure about it being an entire 30 minute work-out, but it was better than nothing!!

Yesterday was not good for me either! We are doing photo's for a new church directory, and the bad part is we stated taking pictures on a Wednesday (bad, bad). I got to work at 8:00 am and I left work last night at 9:45 pm, so again, no time to really exercise. But on a good side note, I am making healthy choices on the food end, so I feel that is a great accomplishment!!

Okay, for the not so good part, the raging war. I am really struggling mentally and spiritually right now. I know our God is so powerful that he could nip this thing right in the bud with satan, but my human me, is fighting for strength to keep my head above water right now. There is a battle, and my thoughts are not where they have been for the past couple of months and I CANNOT go back to where I was. It was so bad this morning that I woke my Hubby up before I left for work and had to tell him, "please let me tell you something I am thinking, and it's so unchristian of me to be thinking this, but I need to tell someone that will understand". Of course what I sad was so not kind, so I will spare you the details of my conversation with Hubby. The bad thing is I do not want these thoughts to drag me back to my depths of despair, and I refuse to let them! Please be in prayer for me and my terrible family situation. Above all please be in prayer for my Hubby and kids, especially my teenagers. This has been so incredibly hard on them and I worry so much for them. Thanks!!

Update & I'm Asking For Your Prayers

First, The HIDA Scan was not as bad as I had envisioned it to be. I survived with a mild headache and a pretty purple bruise on my arm! Note to self: quit googling medical procedures!

The bad news is: My gall bladder is not functioning. That means I will have to get it removed. I am none to happy about that. My nausea started going away today so I thought I was getting better, but while in Wow-mart, I started having some mild pain and now it is hitting me full force. Hopefully it will subside for a while, because I really want to put this off as long as I can!! :) At least until next week. You know it is all about my procrastination!!

I now have a prayer request for y'all. I have been pretty quiet about this for a while. Hubby did not want it public knowledge until we saw the doctor. We saw the doctor today so now I am asking for your prayers.

Hubby's thyroid is enlarged on the right side. The doctor that found it wanted him to see a specialist because it was enlarged beyond his expertise. Today we saw said specialist and the appointment went really well. They did go ahead and proceed with a biopsy today. Hubby did really well, I was so proud of him. They are checking to see if it's pre-cancerous, benign or malignant.

The doctor was very reassuring and if it's bad news, he feels that we caught everything early and they will do surgery and radiation with the success rate being great with the thyroid and he sees no complications. Of course we are a little anxious and it seems like everything is hitting all at once.

Please join us in praying for Jeremy. We are praying for a calming peace while we wait for the results and of course a clean biopsy. If the test comes back showing that there is something more, we pray for a quick and successful surgery and complete healing of this. We know our God is a Mighty God and we are putting our full trust in him with this situation.

I thank you way in advance for your prayers and will let you know what is going on when we get the biopsy results back!

A Prayer Request

I have thrown myself into my blog lately as a form of therapy. I found friends that I could not even imagined. Friends that hurt, friends that care and most importantly friends that will pray hard for someone they have never meet in person.

I have seen countless miracles through the blogs that I read, anything from adopted children, medical necessities and answered prayers. I have also seen others go through hard times, death of children and things that leave us crying with the ones that we have connected with, through a bond that is hard to believe that is formed through all things, a blog.

There has been so much going on in my life for some time now with my family. I have hesitated to mention much on my blog, for the fear that my family may read it and I did not want to make the situation worse than it already is, but it can not get any worse, so here it is.

I am coming to you for help. I have struggle, wrestled with my thoughts, blamed myself, blamed my family, asked God why, pleaded with Him, blamed Him, praised Him, cried and tried to laugh, but I think what I been missing is keeping this to myself, trying to act like everything is perfect and nothing is wrong. Smiling and laughing in front of others and hiding in my home dealing with the pain by myself. There are few that know, but I am asking for prays of many now.

I have been estranged from my parents now since the day before I left for our mission trip to the Dominican Republic. That day on the phone with my father was one of the hardest things that I have ever been through. I was given a choice to make and I made the choice that is one of the hardest things that I ever had to make. I chose to continue to minister to a family that has caused such strife in our families. A family that caused us such pain for many years. A family that is put our lives through unspeakable heart ache.

There was an opportunity, that was, what I like to call "A God Thing". This summer an opportunity came where we were able to make peace with this family. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. I am not one that forgives easily and for me to forgive but most importantly forget the horrible things that have happened in the past, is only a God thing. I hid this from my parents, because I was afraid that they would not understand. The hurt that we have gone through is not easy to move on from. So for weeks, I guess you could say, we were in stealth mode, hoping that they would not find out.

They found out and there was a strain, a disconnection if you will. I tried to continue without really facing my family head on and by ignoring remarks and praying that it would blow over. It didn't. The disconnection grew more and then the phone call that changed everything. I have always prided myself in being "daddy's little girl", not any more, I hurt him with my decision, and he said things to me that day that I can not bear to mention. Which leads us to where it is today, no communication. The only communication with my family I have is so minimal we seem like strangers.

It's killing me. I really do not know where to go from here. I've tried, but I feel that they need to try too. It can not be one sided and I can not quit this relationship that we have built with this other family. I know God has a purpose, but should we lose love ones for this purpose? I know what I should do, but in my wildest dreams I thought this would be better by now. Do my parents not see I need my family.

So here I am coming to all my friends for their prayers, I need help. I am not even sure what to ask for prayers for. Maybe unharding of hearts, forgiveness, strength to carry on...I am not even sure. I just thank you in advance for your prayers.