Fearfully And Wonderfully Made, Me.

Y’all this one is going to get deep, just warning you!

So much for me blogging more since I am no longer working!  HA!  I would love to say I was super busy, but I was not super busy, just super sick with some kind of cold junk I like to call “Calvary Staff infection”!  Even though it was my first official week not working I caught what the rest of the staff was passing around at work!  Lucky me!!

I did however feel well enough to attend our annual Amen Girlfriend weekend women's retreat and it was a blast!  I took my camera, but did not snap one single picture…go figure!  Our weekend was called “It’s A Grande Life” and there was lots of coffee and I, along with a great friend Sherry, were the official baristas!  We made everything you could imagine from mocha frappuccinos, caramel lattes,  hot chocolate to plain old black coffee!  If the break out sessions and speakers did get you fired up and moving, the caffeine did!!  HA!! 

There was one speaker this weekend that ultimately touch me with every word out of her mouth.  It was one of those things that you walk away saying to yourself, I was meant to be there to hear that!  Her name was Erin Earnest and she spoke at our retreat for the first time, ever.  She spoke about something that we all do, striving to be perfect.  Trying to make everyone happy and saying yes to everything just so you are accepted, liked, loved, or whatever word that you could put in there.  Always chasing the super model image and striving to be perfect. 

I’ve been there, I have tried to be the perfect wife, mother, friend…daughter.  I have failed in each category, at epic proportions.  I have not only failed in those areas, but I will not forgive myself for not being 100%.  At the end of the day, most do not hold me to the 100% that I hold myself too.  They do not even realize that I have not lived up to the “unachievable goals” that I have set for myself and accept me for the one they love.  Of course, there are others that have not only hired the lawyer to convict me, but they have paid off the judge and jury to make sure that I pay dearly for letting them down.

The terrible part in all of the above is I will not forgive myself for being a failure in areas of my life.  I have hit the all time low of actually having panic attacks in public places.  There I said it…I am having panic attacks, talk about not being perfect!  I am having trouble going into areas where there are people and being afraid to the point that I had two panic attacks this week alone.  The most recent one was yesterday morning in a gas station!!  Of all places to wig out, I did it at a gas station.  I started my day off pretty much on the wrong foot and almost turned around and went home.  BUT, I was the barista at a very important event, a women’s retreat, so not to disappoint anyone, I cried all the way to church.

Erin said something so important (YESTERDAY) (Glad I didn’t go home) that really is hitting me hard.  You know, one of those things that keeps creeping up in your mind and no matter how hard you try to ignore it and try to continue to wallow in your despair, you can’t?  This is what she said…totally paraphrasing, because no matter how I will try to say it the way she did, I wont be be able to…but you will get the just of it.

God formed me, He knew me, He made me…perfect, in His image.  He called me by name before I was even born.  I am fearfully and wonderfully made, by Him.  He loves me, I am His child.   

I know, I have heard this all my life.  I have read the verses in the Bible more than once, actually I have read them so many times I cannot count the many times I have read them.  But here is what got me yesterday, again, I know this.  I have heard it, read it and listened to sermons about it, but it took me being in the right  place at the right time to really hear it.

God loves me.  He formed me, made me and called me by name before I was even born.  I am fearfully and wonderfully made in His image.  When I was saved, he took my sins and hurled them…he did not throw them, toss them or fling them, but he HURLED them into the deepest part of the sea.  He forgave me.

HE forgave me.

HE FORGAVE me.

HE FORGAVE ME.

I need to forgive myself. 

I will not be super mom. 

I will never be the perfect wife…

the perfect friend…

or daughter.

I accept that I have failures and will not be perfect and I know there will be those that will never let me forget that or forgive me, and I accept it.  I am going to try my best and live my life without regrets, it’s not helping me or anyone else for that matter. 

I said not to many blog posts back that I wanted to blog with transparency, well I am here to say, I am not perfect.  Geeze, I just admitted to the cyber-world that I am having panic attacks, that’s pretty transparent!  HA!  All joking aside, I needed to be there yesterday, hearing what this lady had to say.  She was so nervous and she stood on a stage in a room full of women and touched one woman in ways that she may not ever know.  I am so thankful for that.  Of course, it is easy to say you are going to do something and much harder to actually live up to it and DO IT.  I am going to try really hard to live me!  Live my life as being me, not perfect me, just me.  For those that choose not to accept me for me, as me, the imperfect me, they will just have get over it.  I am not longer worried about pleasing everyone, just living my life in a way that glorifies our Lord.

Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart.
( Jeremiah 1:5 )

After all; For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made your works are wonderful.   All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.
( Psalms 139:13,14 & 16 )

You will again have compassion on us; you will tread our sins underfoot and hurl all our :iniquities into the depths of the sea.  (Micah 7:19)

Who Knew I Was So Popular?

Within the past 24 hours, there has been two people that have scolded me for not blogging.  Two, that’s big, really big!  Considering that we live in a world of a billion people or so, there are two people that read my blog, to me that is impressive!  Of course one is my awesome mother-in-law….hi mom, and the other is a dear and near friend….hello Felisa!!  Either way, I need to blog!  I have big news and also need to answer a few pressing questions that some have had….first the pressing questions…

1.  WE ARE NO LONGER SNOWED IN!  Woo to the hoo!!  I know, some of you figured it out, but there were some that were fearful that we killed each other!  I am here to say that in fact, we are ALL still living, kicking and breathing! 

2.  Jeremy’s truck is unstuck!  On day five (Friday 1-14-11) the kids were suppose to be at church at 5:00 for a weekend of D-Now.  D-Now is a yearly event that takes place over a weekend in January.  I NEEDED TO KIDS TO GO!!  So I told my husband that if he would get the truck unstuck and the kids to church so that we could have a weekend alone that I would take him to Bonefish.  I kid you not, during the process of getting the truck off the hill, there was the usage of  an extension cord and a blow dryer!!  HAHAHAHA!!  The funniest thing I have ever witnessed!  Still a rough ride getting out, but we did indeed get out!

3.  The first thing we did upon leaving was drop the kids off at church, go out to eat (Bonefish), stop by the grocery store to buy tea bags and cat food, then rushed home to do what we did for five days straight…veg in front of the TV and watch movies!  I know, so exciting.

Now for the big news……

I have a new domain, www.blessingsamidchaos.com.  I am no longer using the blogspot domain.  I really do not think that affects many, but I thought I would pass that on. 

Okay, really that was not the big news, just needed to put that out there.  Here’s the big news…

I am no longer employed!!!  Wooooooohooooooo!  Yes, we will be filing for food stamps, ASAP!  Naaaaa, just teasing!  I officially worked my last day on Friday and walked out of my cutie patootie office for the last time.  Bitter sweet, but a much need thing to do.  We have been working different schedules for a year and during Christmas we made the decision to end the craziness and for me to resign.  I loved my job, but I love my family even more, so I quit. 

So, what have I done on my first official day home?  I am suffering with a bad cold and made monkey bread!  I can tell the family is overjoyed with me right now!!  I think they were thinking of something more along the lines of clean laundry and steak and potatoes….HA!!  Not.

So that pretty much sums up the last week of my not blogging, of course, way more happened than I have the brain capacity to type out.  I will tell you to look out, because now that I am home, there will be lots more blogging.  There, I warned you!!  Thanks for reading and caring about my family!!

Being Snowed In Is Only Fun For About The First 24 Hours

Have you heard that 49 states have snow and the only state that did not join the fun is Florida?  Come on Florida, get with the program!  Y’all just don’t know the fun you are missing! 

This picture is a view down the holler.  See that snow?  It came in Sunday night…it’s still there, along with a tad more.  There has been no sun and the temperature has not rose above freezing since it got here and looks like it may be here for days to come.  Nice.  Usually when I wake up in the morning to it snowing outside, I get excited…this morning, I cried.

Check out the picture of the hubbster watching TV while the cat and dog are very cozy, sawing some major logs! (I am not sure how that cat is comfy, but she is!)  This picture cracked me up!  During the first 24 hours there are snow ball fights, hot chocolate, food, naps and TV.  Lots of TV actually, we had lots on the DVR to catch up on and we have managed to watch it all, because 24 hours have now turned into day three.  Could be longer because this is what happened on day two…

We live 500 feet down in a holler, down a very steep driveway.  Hubby tried with all his might to get us out, and it did not work.   Since these pictures have been taken, the teenage boy and his dad have been diligently working with ropes, shovels, boards and all the salt that I would allow to leave my cupboards to get the truck out.  Still they have not succeeded.  Fingers crossed for the snow clouds to vacate and the sun to start shining, cause hubby said he might not get the truck out until the snow melts.

Usually being stuck at home is an awesome thing for our family.  A much needed force of nature to get us in the same place for more than a few hours.  This time, I think we are all getting a little nervous.  Usually when the news predicts weather like this, it never happens.  My husband was out of town this weekend and when I picked him up at the airport on Sunday, we ran into Wow-mart for a few items.  I hate shopping there, so I wanted to get what I had to have and get out of there as quickly as possible.  He even asked me if we needed to get some food, and I said “nah, we’ll be okay for a day or two”. 

Welp, who woulda thunk we would get so much white stuff.  NOT ME!  So here we are on day three and no telling how many more days we will be stuck in our hole.  We are getting down to the bare bones in the cupboard and I am sipping on a glass of sweet tea from the last gallon that will be made until we get out of here, because we are out of tea bags!  Whhaaaaaaaaaa.  Y’all this is the south, and a house without sweet tea could be declared as a state of emergency in these parts!  Did I forget to mention I used that last of the butter out of the tub this morning….let me not even go there, again,  it’s the South and I think I just broke one of the ten commandments….Thou Shall Have A Month Supply Of Butter At All Times.  It’s there, I am sure somewhere in the ten commandments, probably around the one that say something about sweet tea!

After a wonderful lunch of Cocoa Krispies, I am officially here to say, I have a bad case of cabin fever and I have a craving for some Sonic.   I am still smiling, but when tonight comes along and our family starts going through convulsions from lack of sweet tea, I am afraid the smiles will be gone!  Only the first 24 hours of being snowed are fun….just saying!

Snowy Weather Happiness

Well the weather people got it right and we received lots and lots of snow overnight.  I can always tell when there has been snow fall overnight because the early morning light has a certain glow.  This was our view from the front porch this morning looking down the holler.

As usual the snow brings the dogs much anxiety about having to go out doors and do their morning piddles, so I quickly threw on my hubby’s crocs and headed out in PJ’s to take what turned out to be about a 15 minute walk in the freezing snow.  It was beautiful, but very cold.  I had to laugh at myself when I saw the picture of my morning snow attire!

I should invest in some better clothing and some boots, huh??

 

Maggie hopped her way through the snow this morning as Higgins investigated the snow from a under the truck!  He really hates the snow!

We spent the day hibernating in front of the TV when I I started to get a little chilly.  I then noticed that the heat was on, but not blowing through the vents.  So Jeremy and Bradley went under the house to see what was causing the problem.  They found a cat inside a a torn down heat duct.  Needless to say, they were not happy campers.  On a happy note they did get it repaired and we have heat again! 

After that, there was a 30 minute laugh fest on my part watching my husband and child chase cats.  At first, I was laughing from inside my  nicely warm home, watching out of the back door as they tried to herd the cats from under the house.  As they would get one cat out another would run back under.  Granted they are getting though a tiny spot in some lattice work,  but they were doing it with effortless ease!  So I laughed hard as one cat was left and my husband stood guard over the tiny hole with a shovel, when out of the corner of my eye I caught a glimpse of a cat running 90 to nothing around the corner through the hole!    At that point I could see my son with a pistol in his hand. 

Before going any further with this post, no cats were harmed in “operation removal of cats 2011”.  So after I removed the gun from my sons hand, we sent Higgins under the house to scare the cats out.  He did a great bit of barking and some growling, but he as well was unsuccessful.  Of course, by that point I was hysterically laughing!

So what comes next when you can’t get cats out of a tiny space under the house?  As any good redneck knows, you bring out shovel handles and duct tape.  After duct taping three long handles together, they were able to herd the cats out and repair the hole!  Either I do not have a life, or this was the most funny thing I have seen in a long time!!

That was our fun day today!  I love how being snowed in, it bring so much fun, family times!!

Update On Harrison

Last night I had the privilege of spending some sweet time with Harrison at the hospital.  I was a little nervous at first because he has not been doing as well as I would of hoped for, but the doctors were encouraged with his progress.  I just didn’t want to have to experience his lack of life and energy that he always brings to the table.  

When I walked in last night he was snuggled with his mommy, quiet and just feeling crummy.  As the night progressed, he woke up, ate, drank and even entertained us as well!  My heart was filled with joy!  Of course, I contributed his little bout of wellness to his cousin being there and giving him some “cuzzy love”!   Here is that sweet boy after his bath.  I loved rocking him to sleep last night!  :o)

There seemed to be some unwanted activity through the night, so more blood work and and EKG was ordered this morning.  Please continue to lift him up in your prayers.  Also remember his mommy and daddy as they are on an emotional roller coaster of emotions as they are caring for their son.

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U P D A T E

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Harrison is doing wonderfully and should be discharged within the next 24 hours!!  Woo Hoo!! 

Thank you, thank you, thank you for the prayers!

Praying For Our Sweet Harrison

For those of you that do not follow the blog Living To Love, April my wonderful cousin and her husband adopted Harrison from Taiwan in December 2009.  Harrison is the most awesome, fun loving little guy ever and he has melted my heart with his love for life!

Harrison has battled with asthma since being home and the winter months are hard on him.  On Friday he was diagnosed with pneumonia and then yesterday they were back at the doctor because he was not improving,   Sadly he was rushed to the hospital where he is now.  This little fella is not digging the hospital and does not like the hospital staff at all!   When I saw him yesterday and my heart just broke seeing what he was going through.

Please join me in prayer that tonight is a better night and he continues to get better so he can go home very soon….like tomorrow!!  Also remember his mommy and daddy as they are trying their best to keep his spirits up.

1/1/11 A New Year

I just had to type 1/1/11…no reason really, but it just seemed fun.  It was not all that, but it is January 1, 2011 and it was the thing to do!

There has not been much going on here at our home on this first day of the year.   I did manage to stay up till midnight last night because Annette came over to bring in the New Year playing a game we made up called YaYA.  It is a variation of Yahtezz and we are YaYa Queens!   We love the movie, Divine Secrets of the YaYa Sisterhood and one day will play our game wearing hats made just like the ones they wore in the movie…..HA!

  Then all of a sudden Annette started feeling sick and ended her night throwing up and beginning her 2011 with a stomach virus.  Yikes!

After she left my hubby called to say he should be home by midnight.  He was suppose to work until 3am, but he got off early!  He was trying hard to get home by midnight and he almost made it, 2 minutes past midnight, but we kissed and celebrated as thought it was midnight anyways! 

Today we  had the traditional meal of  black eye peas, turnip greens and cornbread so hopefully 2011 will be full of good health and enough money to make ends meet with a little vacay thrown in.  Hubby is working today, so if that is any indication, work will be plenty!

There have been no big resolutions made today.  I could do the regular and say I am going to lose weight, but I think that is setting me up for failure and who wants that for 2011…HA!  I will vow to eat healthier and throw in a little exercise for good measure!

So that pretty much sums up my New Year, hope y’all didn’t fall asleep during this exciting and fun filled blog post!!  I look forward to this year and all that the Lord has in store for our family. 

Happy New Year!!