Parenthood has many stages from infants who cry to teenage drama. All of which can leave parents scratching their head wondering if they are doing the right thing. Well as parents with a college student, we are still scratching our heads, trying to do the best thing for our child, is tough love the right answer?? It’s hard and I hope that we are doing the right thing…help me with this one, please!
Our oldest is nearing the end of his first semester of college. He did not get scholarships, so after his student loan (which was not enough), we paid for the remainder of his semester, along with a dorm room, books and a meal pass which allows him 3 meals a day Monday through Friday and two meals a day on Saturday and Sunday and then $100 on his student ID to cover any other college expenses. We brought him the staples of dorm life, bedding, towels, laundry soap and all those fun items to set his room up to get him a great start to this new chapter of his life and before we could blink, we was driving off to college. We were left feeling a little anxious to say the least, praying that he would arrive safely to his new life five hours away.
We tried not to hover, keep our distance, and let him call when he needed us, not when I needed him. It’s hard having a child in your life that you talk to every day for 18 years, to not speak to them for days on end…but on the advice of a two time college student mom, she said let him have his freedom. So we did.
Here is where we are having our issues. Upon arriving at college with some money in his account that we put there for “emergences” his first emergency was a much needed Xbox. We quickly pulled our money out and decided if that was an urgent emergency, he would have to call for the next emergency that arose.
He has yet to find a job. He says his class schedule interferes with getting a job and his hours are not ideal for employers to hire him. I strongly disagreed, considering all his classes are during the day, except for one night class. I called two pizza places to see if they would hire him, and they were hiring…go figure, but to date he still has not been hired.
He had developed over his many years of experience a bad habit, which is costly and something that his father and I are highly not happy about…smoking.
His grades??? One B, one C and two D’s which are not good enough for us, considering the only responsibility he has as a college student is to well, study and do homework. There is no job, remember??
Here is where the tough love thing has came in. We, as parents, feel that the baby boy has made his bed and needs to be the adult that he has so claimed that he wants to be. We are not going to support a habit. If he has money to buy cigarettes, then he should have money to wash his clothes…priorities, I say! There is no need to send money for food, because we have paid, in advance for him to eat three meals a day. He lives on campus so if there is no job, why does he need to drive anywhere? We pay for his insurance for his car, which is very high and also for his cell phone.
I think he feels that we are not doing enough for him and seems to be highly upset with his current financial status and that we are not sending him money. Just two weeks ago, he put on his Facebook status that he needed money and was getting ready to sell his stuff. We didn’t send money, so hopefully he still has his Xbox, because it would be ashamed if he had to sell it to buy cigarettes….just sayin’.
What would you do??
6 Comments:
same as you friend. With my daughter, we gave her a semesters money all at once. It was up to her to budget, pay her tuition, books, etc. She is a type A person and has done very well. However with our next son, we knew we could not do that. We pay his tuition, room and board and books after his scholarships. Then we give him a small money allowance (we did not want him to have a job his first year). He has been in school for 4 months and has over drawn his account TWO TIMES!!! The first time was THREE days into the month. We have refused to put $$ in there early or pay his over draft fees. And he has not been able to come home because he doesn't have gas $$. it has been hard, but I really believe that the only way they will learn it to let them fail. As far as grades....I have no idea how he is doing. He has to keep a 3.0 to keep his scholarships. So we will see. I will be praying for you..pls be praying for me too!!! :)
I only know you through the blog, but your post was an answer to prayers today.
Our oldest is 20 and is in his 3rd year of college. His first year went pretty good, but he wasn't real happy and not real disciplined with his money. He started on a full ROTC scholarship but lost it when he got pnuemonia and never pushed himself to pass the physical test. The 2nd semester loans were part of the picture. Then he decided he wasn't happy there and applied to change schools. Loans continued and he transferred to the new, private school. We laid out 3 requirements for us to continue to finance anything (not just school):
#1 - nothing lower than a C and only one of those was allowed; #2 - lost 10 pounds (he needs to lose about 50 and being overweight is part of the self discipline issue); and #3 save $100 (which required him to either become very disciplined in his spending or get a job or both).
Needless to say he did not make it and we pulled the "plug." He served as a camp counselor all summer so wasn't home. Then he came home. We told him he could stay at home as long as he was in school and/or work for 40 hours per week.
That has not worked either, so Thursday it all came crashing down.
We gave him until January 2 to either find a new home (he doesn't have a source of income) or become actively involved in the process of joining the military. It hurt, but it was right.
He appears to have chosen the military, but that will require self discipline to lose the weight and get in shape.
The more I rescue, the worse it gets. At some point my job as a parent is to let him feel the consequences. This is the point. I am praying for you as you tread these difficult waters of parenthood.
I think the tough love thing is so very hard but if you do not do it early you will end up with a child back at home at age 40, no job and paying his child support and losing every job while blaming everyone else - I've seen this way too many times and even with my own brother who was/is a master manipulator at times. At some point people have to grow up but too often parents enable. Why be responsible if someone is always going to bail you out? As long as he has food and shelter let him figure out the rest. If he sold or pawned the XBox that is his problem. As far as his grades, it is a hard adjustment to college so I would give him one more semester and if he does not make progress then pull the plug and let him work for awhile to get serious about going to school...of course warn him first that if his grades are not higher than Cs next term that he will be paying his own way or having to find a job or join the military etc. but be willing to go through with it and be fair by warning him of the consequences ahead of time....have a serious conversation with him when he is home for winter break. College should not be just one big party and should be a learning/growing experience.
You already know my opinions and it sounds like the ladies above share many of them. I am glad they are walking through this with kids his age though. I think that Anonymous is on track. You all committed to helping him through the 1st year. You've had the 1st semester as a learning curve...2nd semester is "Operation Get Serious or Not!!"
Whew! Tough love at its finest right here. I totally agree with the ladies - we aren't in this situation but it is what I would do. Stick to your guns - he will come around! And if he doesn't, it will be his responsibility (whether he accepts it or not). If he can pay for his smokes then he can pay for whatever else he needs. That is an expensive habit!
I'm also with you. I guess I have all this to come, my son is 15 years and I have been trying to teach him about not only making decisions but taking responsibility and facing the consequences for the ones that he makes. He is of the opinion that things 'just happen' without any effort or drive, and feels hard done by if he doesn't get his own way.
The road definitely isn't easy, and I am looking forward to the day I can look back and remember how far he has come. Will be praying for you...Blessing Amanda
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